Interview 3: Donor Eggs
For the third in our series of interviews, we hear from Bee, owner of the “Donor Egg” blog. Here Bee shares her story and experiences with receiving a donor egg. Bee’s daughter, Madelyn Faith, celebrated her first birthday in November 2006.
Here’s Bee’s story:
“I was 38 when I married for the first time and although I thought there might be problems conceiving because of my age, I was naively confident that medical science could afford me one child. (And it has – although the lengths to which I had to go were unexpected!) After three months with no pregnancy, I tried fertility monitoring at home, and after six months I went to my OB, who referred me to an RE. He did some testing and told me that my FSH was very high, indicating premature ovarian failure. I failed the "Clomid Challenge" spectacularly. He told us that I would never have children with my own eggs.
“There followed a desperate period of grieving along with intensive Internet research, acupuncture, and every herbal supplement Google pointed me toward. I wasn't ready to give up on a genetic child, so we tried a stim cycle. I did so poorly that the RE recommended we try IUI instead of IVF with our few eggs. Amazingly, I got pregnant. But I lost the baby at 8 weeks, just after we saw the heartbeat. We tried one more unsuccessful IUI, and then I decided to try IVF with another doctor and a "low stim" strategy. I produced only one viable egg, yet became pregnant again, only to lose that baby at 9 weeks. That time we had a D&C and were able to learn that there was a genetic defect; the baby could never have lived. I knew that I had to give up with my own eggs. The grief after each loss was seriously affecting my body and my mental health – I was briefly hospitalized for depression after each baby died. I had to accept that my eggs were killing my children, and it was time to find another way. The options were donor egg, embryo adoption, and traditional adoption.
“Embryo adoption lists are incredibly long, and I wanted to be a parent soon, since by this time I was 40 years old. Although adoption is the moral "high road," giving a loving home to a child who is already in the world, there were other considerations that pointed to donor egg. I had spent over a year learning everything there was to know about IVF and infertility, and I was nearly out of resources: financial, psychological, and spiritual. I felt that I could not face "starting over" to learn all the intricacies of traditional adoption. In addition, donor egg was less expensive and that was a concern with my husband having been out of work for some time. Most importantly, I have a stepson and we felt that a new child should enter the family on an equal footing: Both would be genetically related to their father, and neither would be genetically related to me. There were other reasons that pulled me to donor egg, but those were the main ones.”
What is the one area where you wished you’d had more support?
“I wish that the people who formed my support group had been more understanding of the terrible grief involved in giving up your genetic link. As soon as you share that the doctors have said you can't conceive with your own eggs, the instant response is: "Why don't you just adopt?" Just adopt? With the best of intentions in the world, people make it sound like no big deal – like going to another restaurant when there's a 45-minute wait at your favorite. When you express any reluctance at the concept of adopting, the attitude is: "Is an adopted child not good enough for you?" There is little understanding or sympathy for the fact that for some of us, losing the genetic link is very like the death of a child; it is the death of the child you thought you'd have. For some of us, there is terror in the idea that we will not continue on this Earth. Nothing of us will remain after we're gone. I wish that my friends and family had understood how devastating those emotions were, and allowed me to express them without dismissing them as silly or spouting easy solutions that truly are not easy at all.”
What advice would you give others who are having problems conceiving?
“Allow yourself the time to grieve, especially if you have miscarriages along the way. Forgive yourself for feelings that seem less than worthy ("I wish I could just be like other people; why was it so easy for them to have a baby and not me", etc. etc.). Investigate all the options available to become a parent. And then focus on what you really want: A child in your home to love and care for. You will know what path to take, and you will begin to feel hope instead of despair. Before I had Madelyn I worried that I would not love her or bond with her since she is not genetically mine. Now I laugh at those fears. She is my light and joy. I love her right down to my bones. I'll never forget my lost babies, but Madelyn is worth the years of suffering. If I had the ability right now to make her my genetic child I wouldn't do it, because she would not be her own sweet self.”
Read more about Bee’s story at http://donoregg.blogspot.com
© Fiona Young-Brown, 2006.
"You don't have to see the whole staircase, just the first step."
- Martin Luther King Jr.
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